Archive for May, 2013
Posted May 28, 2013

Conversations with ED

A girl’s conversations with her eating disorder (ED)
An inside look at how it feels to be controlled by something other than yourself

Under ED’s Control

I want to eat, I really do, but ED won’t leave me alone.

“No,” he says, with an evil grin. “You’re not allowed.”

Again and again, I question why.

“If you eat that, you’ll lose control. You know that. And if you lose control, then what?”

“Then it all comes crashing down,” I whisper. “But I want it…I want it so badly I can taste it.” And I stare longingly at the morsels that I know will delight the senses and awaken the hunger.

But he knows what I’m thinking. “Awaken the hunger and it’ll never stop.”

“Maybe I want that,” I mutter. “Maybe I want to be awake. Maybe I want to experience it all. Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to not be perfect, maybe just once.”

But he refuses to cave and I continue to wither away in isolation because even when ED is there, I’m still alone.

Breaking up With ED

I want to eat, I really do but ED won’t leave me alone.

“No,” he says, with an evil grin. “You’re not allowed.”

“Oh but I am,” I reply. “I can eat and I can live. That’s what they told me.”

“Who told you that?” ED questions, a bit hesitant.

“The doctors, the nurses, the therapists, the people who have already broken up with you.  You’re not welcome here anymore.”

“It’s not so easy to get rid of me,” he says again with that evil smile.

“Not easy,” I reply, “but it can be done.”

And then I quote the ever epic line that Jennifer Connelly’s character says to David Bowie’s character in the 80s classic “Labyrinth”:

“You have no power over me.”

True, that was only step one and ED came to knock on my door several other times but I never let him back in. And I lived and I ate and I dreamed about what I’d do someday.

And I was happy.